Keep it Casual

Dear Brother Jo,

I'm a Junior in High School. I'm nearly 17 and I don't have a lot of experience in the dating area. Okay, so I have no experience in the dating area, or the romantic aspect of life for that matter.

Here's the story: I've been best friends with this guy since 1st grade. I've never thought of him the romantic way, until a couple of years ago. He moved into my ward my Freshman year. I was so excited!  My best friend was finally in the same ward! I soon started to realize that I was developing a crush on him, though. I didn't tell him; I didn't tell anyone.

I did not want to ruin our friendship on something that was probably just a fleeting crush. However, those feelings didn't subside. I still didn't act on my feelings because I wasn't 16 yet.

Yet, my sister started liking him too. I mean, who could blame her? He's the sweetest and cutest guy I know.

Of course she didn't know I like him (I never told her). She's about a year and a half younger than me and about ten times prettier too. When he found out that she liked him, he was thrilled. They liked each other for a while, but then things got dramatic and ended badly in June. I still like him, but I was careful not to flirt with him, just in case my sister still felt hurt. After a month she was fine.

I was hoping he would ask me out on my first date during the summer. But summer came and went without any dates. So, school started and I was still hopeful that he might like me. I was really hoping he'd ask me to the homecoming dance. However, another one of my friends asked him. So they went as friends and I stayed home. I was jealous, but they were just friends, she said. A couple of days ago, my friend (the one who asked my best friend/crush) to homecoming called me and said she like him and was pretty sure he liked her too.

I still haven't told anyone about my crush, but now I don't know what to do. I thought that he might have like me over the summer, but now I don't know. Of course I want to be friends with him still. He is my best friend after all, but whenever I'm around him, I can't help seeing him in a romantic light. And I also don't want to keep getting hurt indirectly, you know?

Anyways, I was hoping that you had some good advice for me.

~ Stuck as Just Friends


Dear Stuck,

If ever there was a letter that exemplified everything I’ve ever said about “Men and Women Can’t Be Close Friends without Romance Getting in the Way” and “You shouldn’t have a Boyfriend or Girlfriend in High School”, this is it.

(This letter is like High School Soap Opera with all the drama going on.)

Let’s face it: you don’t want to be “just a friend”, you’ve never wanted to be “just a friend” and 6 years from now if this guy up and marries your sister it will bother you at least until you get married, maybe even longer.

(Heck, I think you’ll be bothered by your unrequited feelings regardless of whomever he marries.)

As I’ve also said, so many times, Communication is the Key. You probably should have been upfront with your sister before they “started liking each other” (whatever THAT means – I think it’s probably code meaning that they were Boyfriend and Girlfriend, right?), but there’s no guarantee that would have saved you any heartache.

Perhaps you’ve been right to keep things to yourself, but I think it’s time you start helping yourself, too.
It’s time to get you a date!

(Preferably several dates!)

Start with your buddy; put him on the spot.

“Here I am nearly 17 and no one’s ever asked my on a group date; don’t you think that’s a tragedy? I hold you personally responsible. Why don’t you get a couple guys together and plan something and ask me out?”
Several things are going to happen here, and while it may not turn out the way you hope, it might, and either way, it will all be good.

(Check out Bro Jo's "How a Girl Can Get a Guy to Ask Her on a Date" for some other ideas)

He may do just as you suggest; if he’s smart and the good guy you think he is, he will.

And if he does, you will have made a big leap in your own social confidence and experience and you will have helped him (and his friends as well) with a little Casual Group Date Training.

If he doesn’t, if he falters, makes some excuse, or backs away (which he might) you will have learned some very valuable information, namely: where you stand with this boy.

It may be that he wasn’t so much your friend as he was using you to get to your sister. Maybe not, but if that’s the case, the sooner you find out the better.

Ultimately, I’m banking that he IS a good guy, and you’ll start going on a few dates, first with him, and then with some other guys.

And, who knows, maybe when you’re older, if you’re both still single, something more will happen.

But for now keep it casual. Stick to the Dating Rules. And have fun!

- Bro Jo

Just a Sister?

Dear Bro Jo,

I have a huge, convoluted "unrequited love" situation I could tell you about, but before I decide to wear out my fingers with all that typing, I want to ask you two things:

1) Of the options you give for things girls can really be to their guy 'friends' you mention the 'sister and nothing's ever going to happen' option and how rare that is. Would you like to elaborate on how rare? Haha. Out of future date hope, back up plan, tool, not that close of a friend, or sister, I'm thinking future date hope or sister are most likely. I should be able to tell, I suppose, but I am too caught up with all this to see clearly anymore, I fear. Like I said, long story.

2) What are your general thoughts on unrequited feelings? Or currently/apparently unrequited, at least--and how can you tell?!

Thanks for all the great advice. I guess I still need some more though :)

Just a Sister?


Dear Sister,

1) Rare enough that I question its existence in any dimension we might label reality (although I did just get a letter from a Young Woman who serves in a military combat unit, and the men she serves with think of her as a "sister", or at least she thinks they do). If I were to rank them from top to bottom, in my opinion (not yet backed up by science, but perhaps someday . . .), I'd say this:

Bro Jo's List of 

IF HE CAN'T BE YOUR CLOSE FRIEND, HOW DOES HE REALLY SEE YOU?

1) Future Date Hope - He's Friendly, but really wishes he could date you some day, even if he'll never have the courage to act. = 60%


2) Back Up Plan - He's dating someone else, has a girlfriend (or wife), but confides in you, spends time with you . . . basically he's holding you in reserve "just in case". = 20%


3) Tool - You provide him with something he isn't getting elsewhere, physical or otherwise. = 15%


4) Not THAT Close of a Friend - You think you're pals, but to him you're not. He may just be a Nice Guy, or you may be blinded by your feelings for him. = 10%


5) Really more of a Sister = 0%

(A couple quick things about "Back Up Plan": a) it's really no different than "Future Date Hope", and b) I honestly think most guys don't think that far ahead)

2) How can you tell how he sees you? Ask your best friend; the one that will tell it to you straight rather than just tell you what you want to hear. Or, better yet, ask a close family member.

(You could ask the guy of course, but he may just lie.)

My General Thoughts are:

A) If you're a woman in a platonic relationship, it's your fault. You've made it too easy for him.

and B) Get out. If you're over 19 it's time to move on. You're wasting your time, and probably scaring off any guys with real potential.

How can you tell it's unrequited? Um, well, it's simple: has he kissed you? That's usually a pretty good sign that he has romantic feelings . . .

Of course, you could always just . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . talk to him about it . . .

Communication is an amazing thing.

- Bro Jo

Update - Same Ol', Same Ol'

[Readers - the following is an update to a column I wrote titled "Same Ol', Same Ol'".  You can read the original letter and response HERE.]


Dear Bro Jo,

Oh, man - I just love how honest you are!

Really, I appreciate it and the good laughs that come with! It's a whole lot better seeing my actions through another person's eyes.

Haha. . .I can't say I didn't feel a little (or more like REALLY) silly and embarrassed when I read your response, but I am ever so grateful. Even when I wrote that email to you, I wasn't aware of how unclear my mind was. Things are clearer now (you can be more sure of that because of certain events that have recently taken place and reading your response, so you can take my word for it).

I'm just as confused as any girl can get. . .sigh. If it's against the rules to skip it all, then I’d rather just face it now. But, it's something to learn from, right? The harshness was also very much appreciated by the way - no need to apologize!

I just have to thank you for spending time reading my email - I can imagine how many emails you go through from teenagers like me (or maybe I’m the first. Hey, you need to start somewhere!). I don't mean to be another one to add to your list, but hopefully my situation has helped another person who may have been too embarrassed to ask maybe the same questions.

Thanks again Brother J.

-Same young woman



Anytime.

But hopefully not often.

;)

- Bro Jo

Which Bishop?

Dear Bro Jo,

I tried to write on the blog but couldn’t figure it out!

I have a question...

My boyfriend and I have decided that we want to get married, and the only place we want to do that is in the temple.

Neither of us are temple worthy.

We knew the usual wait for our situation was a year so we immediately set an appointment with our college ward bishop. I was leaving for Germany in a few weeks to be a nanny, so we knew we needed to get started.

At our meeting the bishop told me that I had to get this started in Germany and I needed to wait until I got there... obviously I was very upset. And was even more upset when I came to Germany and found that the only church was 2 hours away, and the bishop doesn’t even speak English. I have been attending this church every Sunday, reading, praying, and doing everything I need to do to try and get myself worthy. But I know I still need to meet with a bishop to clear some things up.

I’m not coming home for 3 more months, and I am really frustrated that I haven’t been able to "officially" start my repentance process yet.

I love my now fiancé and want to marry him as soon as possible... but am really upset I may have to wait another year because that bishop wouldn’t let me. What should I do??

(name withheld)


Dear NW -

The reason for working with your German Bishop may be one of many things, not the least of which that regular-meetings with your current Bishop, whomever that may be, are often required.

Set an appointment to meet with your German Bishop right away - set it for tomorrow (Sunday) if you can. Even if he's not an English speaker, he may invite a High Priest (like, perhaps, one of his councilors) to translate the meeting (not that uncommon).

If he's out of town, try to set the appointment for when he immediately returns.

If he's going to be gone for a very long time, or if (and I think this is very unlikely) he won't meet with you, call the Stake Presidency - right away.

Do your best to be understanding - you're a guest in another country - but please make the necessary calls right away.

Keep me posted, would you?

- Bro Jo


Dear Bro Jo,

I just returned from my trek to church!! I now feel that I can relate to the pioneers in their journeys :) haha

I talked to my bishop, a missionary translated for me, and he said because I’m returning home soon that it would be better for me to wait. and that because I live so far away from the church and the days he has for appointments are days that I work so he wouldn’t be able to meet with me regularly. And he said that they usually say a year but it doesn’t have to be exactly a year. So I feel a little better about it.

So I can meet with my bishop when I move back home to good ol' southern Utah! Fingers crossed that everything works out! :)

- (name withheld)


Dear NW,

How soon is "soon"???

Will you be returning to the same Bishop you had before?

It's not my business what this issue is that you need to work out with a Bishop, but I can tell you that there's often consideration given to how long it's been since the last transgression, and when you finally do talk to a Bishop, you'll want to mention the efforts you've put forth trying to get this resolved.

If you're going to be in the same area for 2 or more months, I'd recommend moving forward now. If your Bishop is truly unwilling, I'd approach the Stake President . . . right away.

If you're going back to the same Ward, Bishop, or Stake, I'd contact someone there right away, too.

I don't mean to be pushy, but I know that once you and your Fiancé are back in the same place, the temptations you've faced before will be even stronger. Don't take "no" for an answer; don't "procrastinate the day of your repentance"!

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but I think you should be more persistent and more insistent.

Ultimately, the Lord is in charge, but it IS our responsibility to do all we can.

- Bro Jo


Dear Bro Jo,

I made an appointment with my bishop... I will let you know how it goes!!

- NW



Good luck and God bless - I'm proud of you!

- Bro Jo



Dear bro Jo,

Thank you so much for telling me to pretty much get my butt into the bishop’s office! I needed to hear it.

And now I am on the right path...

Really, thank you so much for encouraging me to go, I know without it I would have put it off, and it was only hurting me to do that.

Love,

A very grateful girl


Dear GG,

Good for you!

You're welcome, and thank you!

- Bro Jo

Kissing

Dear Bro Jo,

What is your opinion on the issue of kissing?

W&N


Dear W&N,

I’m a fan.

- Bro Jo


Too short?

OK. I’ll clarify.

Kissing, and its Other Culture Equivalents, can vary widely in what, when, where, whom and how it’s appropriate. For the purpose of this discussion I’m going to assume you’re a Young Guy who honestly has no clue, is living in a Western Culture (like the United States, Canada or certain parts of the UK) and desperately wants to do some kissing . . . and I’m not talking about “babies because you’re running for office”.

Here is: “Bro Jo’s List of: KISSING APPROPRIATENESS”

What - Peck Kisses on the Cheek (or sometimes Lips)

WHOM

Parents and Other Close Relatives – Hello and Goodbye before and after long times apart.

How long is a long time?

That depends on your age.

-  If you’re Under 2, five minutes is a long time to be apart.

-  Kindergarten through High School, I say kiss your parents hello and goodbye every time you leave the house – not to be morbid, but what if it’s the last time you see each other?

-  College Age and Older – I’d say Hellos on Holidays and anytime you’ve lived apart for a while.


Little Kids – It’s generally NOT a good idea to kiss little kids, even if you ARE a little kid, unless the child is yours, or a little brother or sister. When unrelated Toddlers kiss each other, it really is pretty innocent - even if a Serious Germ Nightmare – still, I think it should be discouraged. Like modest apparel, no age is Too Young to start teaching appropriate behavior.


Friends – Never. If you’re really close friends, and everyone is comfortable, then perhaps a kiss on the cheek after a long absence, but (especially you Sisters) people need to realize that sometimes a "friend" is really trying to plant one on you.


Pre-Dating Age – Not recommended . . . at all. I’m not naïve. I know that some of you smooch. I understand why, but it’s NOT a good idea. Sister Jo’s Grand-mama used to say “Make out at 12, knocked up at 17!”

Grand-mama was blunt that way. She was often right, too. Physical stuff is like a drug. Once you start kissing In That Way, it can quickly become Not Enough. (This, by the way, Sisters, is one of the reasons why Bro Jo discourages the Boyfriend-Girlfriend Thing until AFTER High School for Girls, After Mission for Boys.)


Casual Group Dating Age (16-18 for gals, pre-Mission for guys) – At the end of a Casual Group Date, under the porch light, standing up, afraid your dad might open the door . . . yeah, I’m OK with that, so long as both people are comfortable and it’s not the first two dates with this person. (Remember the Dating Rules – go out with the same person no more frequent than every third date) Be careful! For many of us any kind of kissing, even the non-make-out kind, feels like a commitment (as mentioned in “Bro Jo’s RELATIONSHIP VOCABULARY” , and you don’t want that.


Serious Dating Age (after High School for girls, post mission for boys) – Totally appropriate, and recommended.  If you want to hold back the first few dates, fellas, I think that's gentlemanly.  Remember, we're just talking about simple kisses here, so if you're not so inspired by the end of the third date, perhaps you should move on.



What - Longer, More Passionate and Intimate Kisses

WHOM

Married People – Don’t embarrass your children (too much), but so long as both of you are comfortable (and healthy), I doubt there’s anything such as Too Much Making Out – kiss away!
Of course, what you realize after a few years (and a few kids) is that, as fun as kissing (and all that other stuff) is, it’s not as important as spending time together. Even though you’re married, you still need to court each other. The same three P’s apply: Plan – Pick Up – and Pay.

Have a Plan, or at least a regular schedule. I recommend once a week (or as close to that as possible). Some impromptu dates are OK, too, just be sensitive to each other’s schedules.
Pick Up, which in your case means “get out of the house”. Sitting at home, especially with the kids, is NOT the same. Trust me, you both need to get out.

Pay doesn’t mean to blow a lot of dough. Even if you have more of it now than when you were dating (which is, of course, rarely the case for the Newly Married), you don’t have to spend a lot of money to spend time together. Some of the Best Dates I have with Sister Jo involve a cookie, a cocoa, and a nice long chat.

Almost Married – I hope there’s enough passion in your relationship that you struggle keeping your hands (and lips) off each other. If there’s not, and if that’s important to one or both of you, you may need to talk it through, and perhaps even re-consider. Don’t put yourselves in situations where the Temple is no longer an option, but there’s no need to ignore each other, either.

Seriously Dating Age (again: after High School for girls, post mission for boys) – like the almost married, don’t put yourselves in situations where the Temple is in jeopardy, and have the self respect to stay away from Make-out sessions without commitment (I know what some of you at the Y are doing . . .), but a little kissing isn’t just OK, it’s advised. Stay away from this type of kissing the first few (3+ dates) . . . if you can (and you should) . . . especially if you’re a YSA. SA’s may find that a good, passionate kiss is the Beginning of a relationship, or rather, that step that catapults you from pretending you’re “just friends” to realizing you’ve always been in love.

Remember, President Hinckley admonished us to Be Smart, but he also told us to Be Happy (at least, I’m pretty sure that was in there somewhere . . .).

*Note whom Bro Jo has NOT said Passionate Kissing is for.

I’ll bet that’s a lot more information than you had in mind!

- Bro Jo


Readers:  Bro Jo would love to hear your thoughts on this subject, especially from those of you around the world that live (or have lived) in different cultures. What’s the “Kissing” equivalent there? What’s appropriate?

Update - Wishing . . .

[Readers - the following is a follow up letter I received from "Wishing for Guidance" that originally published on September 18th, 2009.  You can read the original column HERE.]


Dear Bro Jo,

Wishing for Guidance again! I just wanted to say thank you for being honest. Brutal, but honest. I'm going to [scratch that - I'm working on] what you've suggested. reading scriptures, praying, and over all becoming a happy and good daughter of God. I'm going to keep an open mind about men as well. Thank you once again and I hope you continue to advise people like me. :) We need it.

Sincerely,

Wishing for Guidance


Dear Wishing,

Well I hope I wasn't THAT brutal . . .

I was trying to be upbeat (sort of)

:)

You're welcome, thanks for reading and writing in, and God Bless!

Keep me posted of your progress,

- Bro Jo

Mission or Marriage?

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm in a confusing predicament right now.

First of all, I've been planning on going on a mission since I can remember. I'm very passionate about it as well. I have an official count-down, and everytime I feel the incompassing love of the Savior, and have wonderful spiritual experiences I want even more to share that with all of my brothers and sisters. I want more than anything for all my siblings to be in the Celestial kingdom and just as much for all my heavenly siblings. I'm way adament about doing member missionary work as well. I'm turning 20 in less than a month. So, since a girl can turn her papers in 3 months before she turns of age, I can turn mine in in less than 10 months.

I took my first year of college at home away from BYU. Then this last April, while dating a guy who was 22 and also planning on turning in his papers this coming sept/oct, (hint, this way it was safe, for no one to get in my way of a mission) I moved down to Utah to gain and learn experience of living on my own, and a bit of real college life (compared to a community college and living at home).

I safely and nicely ended the relationship with the boy I was dating, over two months ago so it'd be easier. Now, this is where it gets tricky-Its getting to be about the end of August, and my predicament is weather I should stay here in Utah,-(pro's-I have a part-time job, a place to live month to month, all my friends are down here, i get to live on my own, grow up, and the hard one . . .

I've been starting to date this guy. Now he's an RM, and that scares me a bit, but I really like him and love hanging out with him.) or go back home-(pro's-As of today I have a interview scheduled for a good full-time job which is very promising which would help me save up for my mission, I wouldn't have to pay rent, for I'd be living at home again, and I could be a good influence to my best friend little brother who needs a good influential friend, since his best friend and only strength of a friend died 3 months ago whose now having quite a bit of trouble with church and the word of wisdom.

So independent from my brother, (for I can be an influence either place, and I can't take away his free agency). and school, (I'd be taking online classes either way.) I'm choosing between going home and being finiancially secure for my mission, or staying in utah and continue dating this guy and living and growing in a good college town on my own, gaining experiences i never would have before and definantly cant get at home.

I've prayed about it lots, -The Lord tells me, both are good. This is a decision I have to make.
I've gone to the temple Lots-The Lord tells me, both are good. This is a decision I have to make.

I've fasted-The Lord tells me, both are good. This is a decision I have to make.

But I'm stressing myself out as to what I should do.

Please! Any suggestions?

- Guidance Hungry


Dear GH,

No suggestions - far be it for me to contradict what the Lord is telling you - but maybe I can help you discover what you deep down already know to be true.

Let me ask you a few questions.

How soon do you NEED to make this decision?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

If you had to choose between a Mission or a Temple Marriage, which would you pick?

Have you discussed your dilemma with him?

- Bro Jo


Dear GH,

It's been 2 months since I replied to your email . . . thought I'd follow up.

- Bro Jo


Dear Bro Jo,

Thank You. Wow, never would've thought u'd wanna know what happened. Just assumed everyones busy with their crazy lives.

The story continued like this:

I went to Temple Square by myself a few days before I would either have to go home, or stay. I love temple square immensely. Walked around, met a bunch of people, and then went upstairs to the Christus Statue.

I was sitting there in the room by myself when a pair of sister missionaries came up, and started chatting with me. Of course this is going to happen. I'm in temple square. And I love it. We got talking, and as they were bearing their testimony of how wonderful being on their mission is, I felt really good about going home. Not like an absolutely Yes!, Your going on your mission and everything will be wonderful, just a peaceful feeling that i didn't belong with this guy, that I still have more growing up to do before being married, plus we weren't super serious.

Joining my family at home I've been able to be a good example, my brother isn't doing pot anymore, i'm able to deal with the death of my friend more with people that knew and loved him, and I have a very nice full time job with a small business with a wonderful atmosphere of the majority mormons. I'm doin online classes, and filling up my bank account, with perhaps what will be someday be for a mission, or even help towards a down payment with my future spouse.

Whatever the Lord has in store for me, I shall try my hardest to be ready.

Thank You again! I appreciate your sincerity and advice. :)

- (Name withheld)


Dear Friend,

So often it seems that if we take a step back, things become more clear.

I appreciate your story and your testimony; I'm sure sharing it will help and inspire others.

- Bro Jo

Is It OK to Date Your Best Friend's Sister?

Dear Bro Jo,

I want to say thank you for all the aswers you have given the youth of the church. It is great that somone wants to help us (: Your words has reached me here in Denmark, northen EU.

The Thing is that there is this girl, that is a very good friend of mine. And I wanted to ask her out, but she is also my best friends sister. I told my best friend that I liked her, and he said that he wasn't to happy about it but that he wouldn't stop me. I don't want to back stap my best friend, but I really like this girl. What should I do? I hope you can help me

- Confused Teenboy


Dear Teenboy,

Well . . . you're welcome!

And "Howdy, Denmark!"

I think you should ask her out, provided it's a Casual Group Date, you're both 16 or older, and you follow Bro Jo's DATING RULES For TEENS.

In fact, I think you should include the brother in the group, again, provided he's old enough.

See, that's one of the beauties of Casual Group Dating: there's no pressure or expectation that it means more than it should. You get to go out, have fun, get to know her better, treat her nice (in front of her brother) and there's no big Boyfriend-Girlfriend pressure - which you DON'T want right now.

Imagine what would happen to your friendship if you got into a too-serious-for-your-age relationship right now and then broke up . . . not good.

And, should she still be single when you've come home from a mission, then you won't have any breakups to overcome and may find that your best friend can also be your brother.

Have fun!

- Bro Jo

Move or Stay?

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm a YSA, and I moved away for school, and I love where I am. I have a lot of amazing friends, a Mormon boyfriend and a great roommate. The only problem is that my program is almost over, and I'll be moving back after this semester. I've considered staying here, but I am in a lot of debt and need to go back home to live with my parents while I pay it off -- not to mention the career I've chosen has a lot of demand where I'm originally from, and absolutely no demand out here. So I have to move back at the end of the semester, and my boyfriend has to stay here. I think it will break my heart moving away from this boy, though. Should I just break up with him now so it won't hurt as much when I move back home? It may sound like a stupid question but I really need a little guidance here. Broken hearts are no fun!

Thanks for listening to my ramble.

- Worried for the future


Dear Worried,

Not a stupid question at all!

Let me ask: How serious are the two of you?

How long have you been dating? Are the two of you dating exclusively?

Does he know you're leaving? If so, what has he said about that?

- Bro Jo


Dear Bro Jo,

Yes, we are dating exclusively. It's only been a few months but he is the only guy out of everyone I've dated that I have ever said those three words back to. I really fell flat on my face for him! He knows I'm leaving eventually, but we've never talked about it because it's easier just to pretend that I'm not.

Thanks for answering me!

- Worried


Dear Worried,

So what we're talking about here is do you pick the guy (who hasn't proposed, but he's told you he loves you and you've told him you love him) or the great job (which you don't have yet, but figure you can get) near family . . .

How soon until you leave?

And, if he asked you to stay, would you?

See, you need to know where you stand. It's time to look at things logically. Tough, I know, when Love is involved, but crucial.

So let's get to the point: if he asked, and you agreed to stay, under what circumstances would you stay? Does it require a proposal? (I think it should - are you ready for that?) Or are you willing to stick it out 3-6 more months to determine if he's The Guy? (At your age and station in life, if the relationship doesn't progress in 6 months -or less - of exclusive dating, I say Move On. Remember: Exclusive Dating as a Young Single Adult or Single Adult needs to be accompanied with asking those tough, exploratory questions to see if this is someone you can tolerate for Eternity.)

Jobs are easier to find than Good Spouses (in the 18+ years I've been married I've had only 1 wife but worked lots of places) . . . so perhaps you need a little time to think - but don't take too long.

I wouldn't "break-up" just to lessen future pain, I'd break up if the relationship dies or is going no where.

- Bro Jo

Everyone Needs a Friend

Dear Bro Jo,

I have never been able to make friends with girls very easily so most of my friends are boys. I haven’t ever found really common interests among the girls here and never clicked.

Don’t get me wrong I've tried many times.

So after being the only girl on the school’s football team for the last three years and seeming to like things that mainly guys like resulted into most of my friends being guys. I just can relate to them better.

So I recently read on how boys and girls can never be friends I don’t know what to think. I mean there is a lot of truth to it.

I have had problems of some of my friends liking me but I always cut it off when I found out and I also have the guy friends who are like my 'girlfriends' meaning they actually listen and we hang out and I consider true friends but they never pulled anything and they like other girls cause they tell me about them and stuff.

So my question is what should I do??? Should I no longer hang out with them? And how do I obtain more friends that are girls when we don’t have much in common and most of them give me the time of day???

I mean I tried many times. I found it easier to keep my standards with guys than with the girls just trying to give a picture of how it is here.

The guys always were there like a brother. And now after high school I’m being shipped off for the military with a MOS that hardly any women go into.

What is your advice on what I should do???

-Confused Young Woman


Dear CYW,

We could go into a long analysis of why you make friends easier with boys than girls (which isn’t than uncommon, by the way), but that doesn’t seem to be the real issue . . .

Instead, let’s focus on the questions you actually asked.

1) Should you “hang out” with guys? Yes and no. If you’re talking about spending time with your fellow soldiers as a group, I’d not only say that’s fine, but an appropriate and required part of your chosen career; soldiers stick together like family. If you’re talking about having a couple guys hang out at your house, treating you like a Girlfriend, Wife, or Mother, I’d say “no”. You need to establish a line that separates you from “pal” to “woman” in certain social settings. It will be tough, but you’ll need to work at defining and identifying who are your “brothers” in arms and who are your potential boyfriends. You may want to draw that line at work, choosing not to date anyone you serve with – that’s what I’d recommend.

2) How do you get some good girl-friends? Start at Church, looking for Sisters that you can bond with. You have to be a friend in order to have a friend. Rather than alienate, look for opportunities to serve. Women are territorial (written as I brace myself for an onslaught of comments about THAT one), so don’t be threatening or condescending. No woman will be excited to be your friend if she fears you may steal her husband or boyfriend.

And remember that you're a Daughter of God, and as such have intrinsic value, not just as a future spouse, but as a Good Friend, too.  Don't write off every woman out there; there are sisters that have something to offer you, and you have something you can offer them as well.

Beyond that, let’s open this one up to our readers.

Sisters, what makes another Sister a Good Friend?

- Bro Jo